When They Bring You to Tears
I don't feel like I dream very often. Let's face it, I'm so exhausted 99% of the time my poor brain doesn't have any energy to spend on dreaming. On occasion, when I know I've had a dream, seldom do I remember what it was about or who was involved- nor do I even feel a need or desire to remember. I just want to sleep!
Last night was different, however. I knew I was dreaming about my Nana. I was acutely aware of what was happening in my dream and I was enjoying our time together. She was sitting next to a bed- not mine, but a hotel room bed I think. We were sharing small talk with my mom and my cousin. We were all very aware that she was no longer with us, but seemed very comfortable with the fact that we were sharing time in a hotel room together- as if she came back often for visits and this was just one of those times.
It was the clothes she was wearing that struck me most peculiar. She had on a double breasted suit jacket with big brass buttons and matching trousers- a suit straight out of the nineties with shoulder pads and everything. This was very much an outfit she would have worn during that decade, and rocked the heck out of it no doubt. She was a gorgeous woman- always immaculately put together, hair done to perfection and a face full of makeup. Despite her beauty and immense sense of style, her outfit still struck me funny considering its irrelevance to the 21st century. So what did I do? I teased her for it of course! It's what I do best and how I show love. Despite how annoying it can be at times, it's a trait I come by so honestly and an integral part of my DNA. My Nana always knew I would tease her if given the smallest of opportunities. She also knew it was never with malicious intent, and most of the time she told me to "oh, shut up" and laughed it off.
In the midst of this dream I continued to tease and do what is most comfortable to me, but as I got up from that hotel room bed and walked behind her there was a moment that hit me like a ton of bricks. I stood behind her and thought don't waste your time teasing her. In a moment she'll be gone again and you will have wasted your precious time together. Instead, I reached my arms around her from behind and squeezed. This is where the dream got me- where the tears started to flow. In my squeezing I felt her warmth and softness- it was real. I didn't just dream about the feel of her, I felt it! That hug took me back to her and made me remember everything I loved so deeply about her. I laid in my bed still sleeping, no longer dreaming but crying uncontrollably. I had been reminded of just how much I miss my Nana.
She's been gone ten years, and in those ten years she has missed so much. She died 30 days before my second daughter was born and months before my cousin's first daughter was born. Because we lost her while both of us were pregnant, these girls share her middle name- Frances. My cousin and I gave her three more great-grandchildren after that, and I know she loved on them before they ever came earth side. I'm confident she watches from Heaven as these six cousins play together and love on each other. She'd be so proud and so full of joy.
I'm grateful she came to me last night. I know she wouldn't want me to be sad. It's not in my character to write a blog while I cry, but I believe I occasionally need to be reminded of the depth of her loss to keep her close to me. Thankfully the happy days far outweigh the sad- just as Nana would want it!